Notes from the Cullen Coven
by paigeisavampire
Summary: Characters from Twilight passing notes and such. It's back up! Everyone cheer! Huzzah! Rated T cos I curse like a sailor.
1. vampire footsie

_Bella_ **Edward**

_Edweird?_

**What do you nee—wait…EdWEIRD?**

_Yes. Edweird._

**Ha, you're calling ME weird?**

_Yes, but that is not the point._

**Then what is the point?**

_You are molesting my foot. That is the point._

**What? No, no…I'm not moles…I'm….I'm just playing footsie.**

_Well, your foot feels rather experienced. My foot is a virgin, you must remember._

**No, it's…not like that.**

_Is your foot a registered sex offender?_

**I'm baaaack.**

**My computer decided to start working, and so, without further ado…NOTES FROM THE CULLEN COVEN.**

**This happened because today my boyfriend was at house, and we were eating turkey and all of a sudden I feel something on my leg. It is his foot. I was all, "OMG foot rape!"**

**Anyhoo, Happy Thanksgiving! =)**


	2. jasper and gabbana

_Bella_ Jasper

_Jasper…_

Yes?

_Did you see that movie, Twilight?_

Yeahhh.

_Jasper?_

Yes?

_You looked like a crackhead._

I KNOW. And the outfit choices were….appalling to say the least! They did not debut my new Dolce and Gabbana dress I got and fashion week!

_How dare they?!_

The nerve of some people. Hmph.

**The Twilight movie was good. =)**

**But Jasper did look like a crackhead.**

**And did not wear pretty dresses.**

**I was a bit disappointed at the lack of thongs.**


	3. punkrockvampiresyeahman

_Bella _**Edward**

_Why are the tips of your hair purple?_

**I think you know why.**

_Oh yeah! Didn't I throw a grape at you a few minutes ago?_

**Yes, yes you did.**

_I remember it like it was only a few minutes ago._

**That's because it was.**

_Oh, right. But really, you look cool with purple hair. Maybe go for the punk rock thing?_

**What?**

_You know like, "Uh, I'm so tough, yeah, I ride a motorcycle and smoke cigarettes, yeah!" Only in your case it would be "I'm so tough, I eat animals and touch young boys in inappropriate places, yeah!"_

**What? I don't touch boys!**

_I never said you did._

**But, just a second ago you said….never mind.**

_Whatever. Hey, why are the tips of your hair purple?_

**It's late. Very late.**

**I'm hungry for grapes.**

**Please don't make me explain myself.**


	4. springer vampire styleeee

_Bella_ **Edward **Jacob **Jasper**

_We're here today interviewing Edward Cullen!_

**This is a waste of time.**

You smell funny.

_LIKE I WAS SAYING, BEFORE I WAS SO RUDELY INTERUPTED, Edward Cullen everyone!_

**Thank you, thank you, it's a pleasure to be with you, beautiful Bella, as always. You look radiant today.**

I think I just threw up in mouth a little bit.

_OH! Jasper no! That deer's blood is staining my couch! Couldn't you have at least made it to the trash can?_

**Sorry. It just….regurgitated on its own, due to unbearable amounts of lameness.**

_SO MR. CULLEN..._

**Oh, please call me Edward.**

_Of course, so first question. What's it like being my husband?_

What kind of question is that?!

**Oh sorry, did you not hear her, she said THAT I'M HER HUSBAND AND NOT YOU MR. FLEA RIDDEN DOG.**

**HELLO PEOPLE THIS IS NOT JERRY SPRINGER. YOUR EMOTIONS ARE DRIVING ME NUTS.**

**So in response to your question, being your husband is the greatest feeling in the world. It's like shooting myself.**

_ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT YOU DON'T LIKE TO BE MY HUSBAND?!_

**No, no! Shooting myself creates a pleasant tingling.**

_So you like the pleasant tingling I provide._

**Of course.**

_Want to have sex?_

**Yes.**

_Oh. Oh! JASPER I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GO TO THE TRASH CAN IF YOU ARE GOING TO HURL BLOOD ALL OVER MY FURNITURE. This is Bella Cullen, signing off._

**And Edward Cullen signing on. OH YEAH.**

** I'm watching Jerry Springer. Sochyeahh.**

**ALSO VAMPIRES CAN THROW UP BECAUSE I SAY THEY CAN.**

**=)  
**


	5. miss jim? say what now?

**Edward **_Bella_

_Eddiekins. Yoo know how you always want to get me presents? And how I never let you?_

**Yes…you couldn't possibly implying that you actually want gifts?**

_Why, yes that is exactly what I am implying._

**BELLA THIS IS GREAT. What do you want? Diamonds? Jewelry? What?**

_No. I want a cat!_

**Of cours—wait…a cat?**

_Yes. A pretty cat._

**How is Charlie going to feel when you bring home a cat?**

_Pshposh. I hide you in my room every night. Surely I can hide a cat._

**Bella, cats are a big responsibility. They poop. And you have to clean the poop.**

_Are you kidding? I LOVE poop. I used to eat it when I was 3. So it all works out, see?_

**Oh. Wow. I never knew that. Wow. That's…shocking. ANYWAY. Bella, you barely remember to remind Charlie to take his breathing medication.**

_That was ONE time. And he did not die, if you recall._

**Bella, I don't think you're ready for a cat.**

_Pleaaassseeee, Eddie. Pleeaase._

**Okay, fine. But when it dies don't come crying to me**.

_THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!_

**LATER THAT DAY.**

Bella sprinted into the animal shelter, while Edward followed reluctantly behind. "OHMYGOD EDWARD LOOK!" she shrieked, pointing at the corner where several cats were grouped. The cats shrunk back, as if hoping to draw less attention to themselves. "EDWARD LOOK IT'S CATS!" she started jumping up and down in excitement. "Hey, kid," a gruff older looking man called out to Edward, "Is she gonna have a seizure? Cause' if she pees on the floor, you're cleaning it up" Edward ignored him, and tried to shush Bella up. "Bella, love, cats do not like loud noises." Bella stopped jumping. "Oh," she whispered, "sorry, I'll try not to--- OHMYGOD LOOK THAT ONE IS SO CUTE!" She grabbed a white cat and squeezed it tight. "Bella! Do NOT kill the cat." Edward barked. "EDWARD CAN I HAVE THIS CAT PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE?" she begged. Edward looked at the guy, who said, "She can have it, if you will just leave." Bella screeched, "YES!" And ran out the door. Edward started to follow, when she suddenly dashed back in. "I NEED A LEASH." she yelled, clutching the cat tighter. "Bella, you are not going to put the cat on a leash," Edward shook his head. "BUT WHAT IF THE CAT RUNS AWAY?" Bella sobbed. The man threw a leash at Bella. "Take it and GET out," he ordered, pointing at the door. Bella happily put the leash around the cat's neck and dragged the poor kitty out the door, Edward in pursuit.

_EDWARD THANKS FOR MY KITTY. GUESS WHAT HER NAME IS!!!_

**Oh, this should be good. What is her name?**

_HER NAME IS JIM!_

**Jim? But it's a girl cat…**

_Oh, Jim is short for Jimmy._

**But it's a girl.**

_DON'T JUDGE JIM. IT MAKES HER UNCOMFORTABLE._

**Actually, I think your obsession to hugging her makes her uncomfortable.**

_WHAT IS JIM DOING?!_

Bella looked over at the open window, where Jim was perched. The cat took a deliberate step towards the edge. "NO JIM, DON'T! THERE'S SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!" Bella screamed. Jim looked at her and then flung herself out the window.

**Wow. Cat suicide. It was only a matter of time though. I'm sorry about Jim, Bella.**

_Edward, can I have a iguana?_

**I was like begging my mom for a cat today. But she kept saying no. =(**

**I really have no explanation for this.**

**Anyhoo, I realized I've had the same poll up for like a month. So here are the results:**

** _so when the cat runs with the spoon, the fork gets jealous. how does he get back at the cat?_**

**1st place- he hires a mafia to assassinate them- 48 percent (or 26 votes)**

**2nd place- oh, he takes his rejection quietly, but turns into a bitter old fork that never loves again- 25 percent (14 votes)**

**2nd place (tie)- none of the above, the fork is a drag queen- 25 percent (14 votes)**

**i put a new one up. (couldn't think of a good question. vote anyway :p )**


	6. did you mean: leeah? stupid paperclip

**Edward **_Leah_

_Edward Cullen…we meet againnnn._

**What are you doing? You look constipated.**

_I'm…glaring at you, you know?_

**Leah, quit being a bitch.**

_But...that's the way I was written._

**Well, there is such a thing as revision.**

_Okay, I'll go spell check myself._

**-insert snappy Author's note-**

**I'm tired. =(**

**I love you all.**

**you're all great.**

**I appreciate you.**

**thanks for being cool.**


	7. edward cullen's a right barmy bloke xD

_Bella _**Edward**

_You know who I really wish wasn't dead?_

**Who**?

_Bernie Mac._

**Really? I couldn't ever get into his show.**

_Yeah, I didn't like it much either. But now that he's dead…you know, you just wish they'd stop running reruns and make new episodes. But they can't cuz he's dead._

**You make a clever point.**

_You know what other show I'm sure I'd like if I tried?_

**What?**

_Scrubs. But it's just like…I don't have the time to…commit to it, I guess._

**Hm. Now I'm going to completely flip this conversation. You know who I wish was dead?**

_No. Who?_

**Britney Spears. I mean she's so pretentious. She's like, "oh go check out my new record. And watch the special about me on MTV."**

_Yeah, I agree. K-Fed can also die. I mean what was up with that thing in that magazine?_

**I know! He's like, "oh ima give my kids a normal childhood!"**

_But how can their childhood be normal when they have a wanna-be rapper dad and a washed up singer for a mom?_

**Exactly! I was watching the E! True Hollywood Story on Britney on the telly and—**

_Wait—did you just say telly?_

**Yeah, it's perfectly acceptable. You know?**

_Sorry. Just…odd._

**Says She of the Bernie Mac fandom. Seriously Bella, get a better taste in comedic actors.**

_TALK IN PLAIN OLD AMERICAN SLANG. QUIT USING YOUR DUMB BRITISH WORDS LIKE TELLY AND I SWEAR IF YOU CALL JACOB A WANKER ONE MORE TIME, I WILL SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE._

**But… I'm a vampire. It would do anything to me.**

_SHUT UP WANKER._

**Okay, I'm in a considerably better mood since last chapter. =)**

**This chapter was inspired by when I said, "I was watching the telly last night…" (I was born in Britain; lived there till' I was 7 or 8 and then we moved to Texas, so I have this crazy funny mix between a British and a redneck accent. Try saying 'ya'll' in a British accent. Funny isn't it?)**

**Anyway, I was saying, "I was watching the telly last night, and this fellow got his arse kicked." (Let me explain. In east Texas, one does not say "fellow." One, to fit in with the language, would either say "Dude" or "that son-of-a-bitch" And it's simply, "ass" instead of "arse". All clear?) And all my friends made fun of me. lolol I'm so bullied.**


	8. wow the thrills of authors notes

**Quick author's note.**

**I'm SO SORRY I haven't written in…forever!  
The Baby Thing as I call it is sucking up my life. Grr.**

**I went in for an ultrasound today.**

**It's a girl!**

**Names, anyone?**

**I get to shop in the maternity department now.**

**That's always quite fun.**

**Thank you being paitent with me.**

**I promise I'll update this weekend (we have Monday off for Martin Luther King Jr.!)**

**xoxoxo,**

**Paige  
**


	9. america's nexttop model is dramaticpause

_Bella _**Edward**

_You wanna be on top?_

**What?**

_I CAN'T HEAR YOU_.

**Sure….I wanna be on top, I guess? **

_Okay first girl, you gotta be fierce!_

**I'm not a girl and….be fierce?**

_Yeahhh, damn girl you gotta WORK!_

**Um…**

_POSE. AND POSE. I think you need a makeover!_

**What?**

_Okay, girlll, we gonna give you a weave!  
_**A weave?**

_Yeahhh._

**I'm sorry, I just don't think I trust you with sewing hair onto my head.**

_YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE I BEEN. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I BEEN THROUGH._

**Chill. **

_OH BITCH DON'T TELL ME TO CHILL. YOU'RE OUT OF THIS COMPETITION._

**Alright.**

_YOU'LL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN! OR GERMANY I BE TELLIN THE PEOPLE IN GERMANY THAT YOU SUCK AS A MODEL! I BE TELLIN EM!_

**Losing sight of my feet. Top Model Marathon. What can I say?**

**Tyra is flippin' out on this poor girl.**

**Okay, quit being so shocked that I actually updated. (:**

**Eddy would be the cuh-yutest Top Model, eh?**


	10. did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

_Bella_**Edward** Alice

**Hey, bby, what's your sign?**

_Virgo._

**Virgo sounds a lot like Virgin. Are you?**

_Am I what? A Virgo?_

**No, a virgin.**

_No, I'm a Virgo._

**No, are you---never mind.**

_VIRGOS ARE SHY AND THEY TRIP A LOT. _

**No, that's just you.**

_Oh right._

I think my sign should be a Mermaid!  
**But there's no such thing as mermaids, nor is it an astrological sign.**

EDWARD, WE'RE VAMPIRES. How do you know that there aren't mermaids?

**Fine, maybe there are mermaids, but a mermaid is not an astrological sign. **

Yes, it is. I just made it up. Mermaids like shop and are incredibly awesome.

**I'm not going to say anything. **

Wise decision, young grasshopper.

**Yesterday, me and my friends went to the mall since we were bored.**

**And we saw this hot guy in the Cheesecake Factory.**

**And my friend, Jade dared me to go up and use cheesy pickup lines. (I'm kind of showing. At this point you can't tell if I'm pregnant or just fat. This is essential.)**

**So I go up and say, "Hey, babe, what's your sign?" And he's like, "Um, I'm a …leo."**

**And then I'm like, "Cool, do you come here often?" He's all, "Um, no."**

**To finish it off, I hold my belly, and say, "So maybe, after my baby's born we can go get a drink. That is, if my pimp approves." Then I give him the number to a local pizza place, wink and say, "call me."**

**Greatest day. Ever.**

**And so I wrote this. **


	11. this hat is the shit man

Jasper **Edward **_Bella_

I like your hat.

**What? I'm not wearing a hat…**

_Yes, it's right there!_  
**Er, okay, what does it look like?**

It's purple!

**Purple?**

_Yes, purple. With a pink bow!_

**Like a girly bow?**

_No, a manlyyyyy bow._

**So my non existent hat is purple with a manly pink bow?**

Yes, that sums it up.

**I don't think there is such a hat. **

Yes, there--- Edward, are you wearing my hat?!

**WHAT HAT?**

**lulz. I don't even know.**

**This guy in my class was folding up his packet of papers during trig, and putting them on his head like at hat in an absent minded manner, and the teacher was like, "Mr. Jesaon, if you don't mind, please take off your hat." And he was like, "What hat? These are papers."**

**And this stemmed from that. (Yeah, this is turning into one of those chapters where the author's note is long than the chapter, haha.)**

**So, I realized I've had the same poll up since December. In case you are behind on the times, it is now Febuary.**

**POLL: do ya like my new sunglasses? they're in my avatar picture thingy. I GOT EM' AT DOLLAR GENERAL, BEST PLACE EVER, I SWEAR. NO LIE.**

**hellz yeah. they are the coolest thing i've ever seen. if i had to have sun protection, i would use your sunglasses. because they rule. got 42 percent.**

**dollar general smells funny. got 36 percent.**

**um, they is alright. (i am indifferent) got 10 percent**

**and ew, no they're the ugliest shit i've ever seen. ew. throw them away. throw that crap awayyy also got 10 percent.**

**Ironically, I broke my sunglasses last week. I'll put a new poll up in a minute. (=**

**In pregnancy news (okay, I know you're getting tired of this, just tell me to stop if it's bothering you xD) I gained 9 pounds! Oh my God! It's like carrying a sack of bricks around.**

**btw, what do ya'll think of the names Pam, Claire, Julia, and Melanie? (Keep the names coming, though, I really love all the suggestions. =)**

**XOXOX Paige**


	12. bill gates is a very rich little girl

_Bella _**Edward**

_If I were a rich girl, nanananaa._

**But I'm rich, so technically, you're rich, you know, by default.**

_Oh right, because you're hot, that automatically makes you rich._

**Yes, that's righ—wait, what?**

_That's what Smeyer said._

**Well…that doesn't make sense. **

_Give me an example of a rich person who is not hot. _

**Bill Gates.**

_Touché, douche._

**Wow, okay.**

**So I was rereading Twilight for the gazillionth time, and I noticed that it was like, "As far I could tell, life worked that way." Referring to Eddy's hotness to money ratio.**

**And that bugged me. Because, HELLO. Is Bill Gates hot? No. (Well it depends where you're coming from. xD )**

**Also I reallyreally like the song Rich Girl by Gwen Stefani.**

**Guiltypleasuresoorryyy. (:**

**plus, new poll up. so yeah youshouldvote. make your voice heard!  
(it was a long government class today.)**


	13. omg jasper needs dresses naow!

Jasper **Edward**

OMG!!!

**What?**

The prom is in 3 months and I don't have a dress yet!

**Um…I'm sorry?**

YOU HAVE TO GO SHOPPING WITH ME RIGHT NOW!!

**Uh, as a member of the male gender, I don't think…I'm really, er, qualified to make judgment.**

YOU HAVE TO! PLEASE EDWARD PLEASE FOR ME.

**No.**

FINE YOU'LL REGRET IT CUS I BE UP HERE LOOKIN HOT!

_**4 hours later**_

I'm baaack, and I'm fabulousss!

**What took so lon—are you wearing make up?**

Yesss, of course. Well, I wasn't going to get my makeup done, but then I passed my favveee makeup girl, and she told my pores were lookin' mighty bad! SO I let her give me a quickie touchup.

**No comment…so, did you get a dress?**

Duh! Is Tommy Hilfiger the greatest designer alive? Of course I got a dress! Wanna see them?

**Them? I thought you were only getting one.**

You don't expect me to wear the same dress the whole time do you? Now you sit right there mister, and I'll MODEL them for ya!

_**30 minutes and 23 dresses later**_

So which one's your fave?

**Er…well, the one with the tulle and, er….flowers was okay.**

Okay? Just okay!? What about the pastel one?

**It was alright. The tiara was a bit much.**

I'm a princess and I want everyone to know it!

**Of course you are.**

**flowermasters (AKA Hannah) requested a Jasper chapter and I am only too quick to oblige. (See I do read reviews! I just don't exactly get around to answering all of them. lulz)**

**Hope you like it, Hannah! (:**


	14. AN

**Quick author's note to address a few things. (I'm in the computer lab, and my belly won't go under the desk thingy, so I'm typing super fast to get outta here.)**

**First—I've realized, my author's notes are often longer than actual chapters. So to make the notes longer, and the author's note shorter, I went to blogger and made a blog. Hopefully, I can post all the rambling junk that usually goes into my author's notes there, so those who prefer long chappies, and short ANs are happy. (It's ****.com****) So hopefully, that will work. (:  
Second, I am now taking suggestions, since my brain died. Just PM me, or leave your suggestions in a review. (:**

**XOXO**

**Paige**


	15. my bizzle aN part duex

**My bad.**

**Thanks for pointing out the link is all screwy.**

**paigeisavampire (REPLACETHISWITHADOT) blogspot (REPLACETHISWITHADOT) com**

**xoxo**

**Paige**


	16. countdown to baby

_I love college!_

**You're not in college, Bella dear.**

_I love drinking!_

**Well, me too.**

_I love women!_

**Wait, what?!**

_I danced my ass off, and had this one girl completely naked._

**So that's where you've been sneaking off too.**

**Short short short. Just wanted to update finally.**

**The baby is due next week. I'm so nervous but happy.**

**Much love,**

**Paige**


	17. babybabybabybabybaby

Marie Catherine Miller was born on May 24, 2009 at 2:15 am.

She is honestly the most adorable baby ever. But of course, I'm biased. Haha.

Just dropping a few lines; I'm. so. BUSY!

There's a pic of Marie and her proud mommy (moi!) on my profile if you're interested.

Thanks for everyone's support!  
More later!


	18. happy halloween from me and the shrimp!

HI!

I bet this was the last thing you expected today, but here I am, full of surprises.

Sorry, this is not an actual update, this is baby bragging time!

Marie! Is! Nearly! 3! Months! Old!

We are teaching her to love LL Cool J and MC Hammer, do not worry.

And Edward, OF COURSE. (:

So anyway, we went to Walgreens, for some basic stuff, and what do I see? BABY HALLOWEEN COSTUMES. So I'm pulling on my boyfriend Lincoln's arm, going, "LOOK LOOK! WE CAN MAKE MARIE A HOT DOG!"

Which got a lot of strange looks, let me just say.

So I rush over there, and start looking, and I see the greatest thing ever!

SO I bought the costume (3.99, a real deal, go Walgreens!) and rush home to immediately dress Marie up.

My mother was like, "What? You said you were going to get conditioner, and you bring back this?"

And I'm kinda ignoring her, too busy putting Marie in the greatest outfit of her life.

So I took her picture.

What was the costume, you ask?

A SHRIMP!!!!!!!!!!

Oh it is so cute, there's a pic on my profile, if you wanna see.

:D

Happy Halloween from Me and Marie!


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